Le chat curieux
Abby Rose.
You can't live for tomorrow, until you live for today.
19. Meow! Curly ginger. Chitown. Pisces. cats, boys, summer, audrey hepburn, vintage, dream catchers, fire, california, sweaters, leopard, new york, black and white, writing, theatre, guitar, sex and the city, the beatles, shorts, candles, beaches, audrey kitching, regina spektor, miniature tigers, kit kats, humor, the stars, endless nights
As humans we are all natural problem solvers. That’s just life; we see something wrong, and we automatically want to find a solution. But I always thought that was just too….quick. Everyone moves so fast these days. When are we gonna stop and just live! This is how we miss things. Some things just take time to understand. I guess I’m a little biased because this is what I’ve had to live with since I was a kid; taking more time to really focus in on things and get them down pat. They always thought I wasn’t paying attention to anything, but really I was paying attention to EVERYTHING! I’m just very curious. I’m more interested in the why and how and the process of things than the actually answer, that’s just a side benefit. What’s the point of just jumping so quickly from the beginning to the end? Remember that ever so essential middle section people! What are you, late for the train? Where are you going to fit yourself in in the world if you’re just following everyone else. I hate structures and patterns. That’s why I hate my english teacher and her 5 paragraph thesis essays ahaha. This is also why religion is such a weird thing for me. I can’t fully trust something if I don’t know anything myself. Trusting is believing, and my mind is not satisfied until I can believe something, and that involves either knowledge from research or experience. Don’t take anything for granted, and don’t ever think you don’t matter. You are the most important person in your life, and you’ll always regret it if your questions aren’t answered. Find your own vision of the world. This is your LIFE. Live it.
I was so completely against it. Just a solid no fucking way. But somewhere deep down a little part of me was more than 50% one way. I feel like that’s how it usually is for most decisions but we don’t realize it. Everyone has a conscience, even if it’s been very very clouded over! Sometimes we just can’t reach it correctly. So I went to therapy again. But this time I tried a different lady. And it was partially just to please my parents because I’ve put them through enough (that realization alone being part of why I don’t need therapy as much anymore!) but also because I’m a very curious person and open to trying new things often. And it turns out I actually really really liked her. I feel so much more…comfortable. There’s something to be said for someone who doesn’t just sit there analyzing you and taking notes the whole time, but actually listens and talks to you, not one bit judgmental. That’s how it’s supposed to be. As well as the fact that I’m starting to see the differences between psychologists and social workers, at least in practice. Psychologists seem to rely way too much on their book knowledge! Like omigod can you just listen to me for once without making snap judgments and trying to match me up with the diagnostic patterns you’ve learned! The point is to use that knowledge to guide you in making decisions. School should be meant to teach you HOW to think, not teach you WHAT to think. Learn how to deal with it yourself. I mean that’s what you want ME to do, right?

word.

(via fusels)

Another thing I don’t understand….

I just thought it was rant time once again folks. Because there’s something I really don’t get sometimes. And something in return, a lot of you probably don’t get as well. 

I know people that take prescription drugs just for fun, we all do. It’s not exactly uncommon, especially in high school. Especially at my high school ahem. (Oh Evanston how we love you so.) I get the general aspect of it, I mean I’m not exactly a straight-edge angel or anything myself! But the thing is, what is the point? Why don’t you stick to the average weed and alcohol and shit? Using prescription drugs to get high is just kind of dumb honestly. Because they’re just that- prescription.

It actually annoys me so much when people do that. Like really, do you understand what it feels like in my head when I try to do things I even really want to accomplish and just can’t? I try so hard and for the life of me just cannot manage to get through anything (as do lot’s of other people struggling with similar disorders.)  Yes, it has its ups and downs and there’s that rare occasion where I can get some work done without meds, but it takes double the time. So you can see how thankful I am and how much I appreciate their benefit to my life. No, I don’t have cancer, I don’t have to prick my finger every few hours to make sure my glucose levels are in balance because of diabetes, but I struggle everyday, too. Mentally. Everyone with any type of disorder is equal in the way that they’re suffering. This is why I accept everyone. I know what it’s like to feel frustrated and depressed and like an idiot and like nothing you do will ever be right. You never know what someone else is dealing with.

So none of these people taking prescriptions for fun have any idea these drugs’ actual purposes. They just take it for what, to get a feeling of high? Their perfect focusing abilities going to waste, while I’m sitting here tearing my hair out trying to get through the same sentence for the 8th time. If you are diagnosed with something like ADHD, you’re not receiving an unfair advantage! Medications make you equivalent to a normal person! The chemical imbalance in my brain is being made up for, so I can function just like you can without even having to think about it. My first day on Adderall I thought Damn! This is how normal people think? Holding a thought or being able to finish a task for as long as they want? This is amazing! Because I’d never been able to do that before. I could honestly say for the first time, not from being drunk or high or eating too many marshmallows, that I was on top of the world. Because I really could do anything. For the first time, my brain actually worked the way it’s supposed to.

But for me, it never ends. Just like anyone else with a medical issue. Humans take all that we have for granted sometimes, because it could all be gone, in the blink of an eye. 

This is the reason I think of all of you people lucky enough to have normal brains (so to speak, prescription abuse aside) as lucky! You don’t have to try 3 times as hard just to read a fucking test question or do a math problem. You are blessed with the natural ability to fully live up to your potential. So use it.

Value what you’ve got up there, please. For me, and all those other millions of kids dealing with something they shouldn’t have to. Because if there ever comes a time when you aren’t so lucky anymore and it all disappears, then where will you be? You’ll wish you’d made better decisions earlier. 

Is “alternative” just where they put all the other music that doesn’t fit in a category? That’s what I shall be. Like my fucking school I don’t fit in their little box, I’m their alternative. They don’t give a fuck about helping me unless I’m failing everything and meet all their little guidelines. oh I’M SORRY if I’m not an underpriveleged black male and it wouldn’t look as good if I got accomodations to help me stop fucking tearing my hair out.Oh I’M SORRY if my anxiety is so bad that I’m so afraid to fail that I freak when I realize I didn’t do any of my work or don’t understand something. Oh I’M SORRY that because I come from a family who pushes me so hard to stress about my future that that anxiety is caused and I care about school in the end. oh I’M SORRY that I’m a fucking human and my case isn’t like everyone else’s. That’s cool. You go do what you do. And that’s when I walked out of a meeting in my school with my parents, counselor, dean, all the psycologists and all the social workers and said “This is some bullshit. I’m leaving.”
   
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